My Nan

My Nan is a thousand smiles, 

a hundred laughter lines, 

The smell of clean washing

And a soft gentle touch

She is the taste of stolen nasturtium petals,

Big squishy cuddles,

Reading out bingo numbers

And a tatty old apron

My nan is streaky bacon and ketchup,

Sitting at her ironing board in front of Emmerdale and Corrie

My first holiday abroad

She is beautiful handwritten letters

Hidden notes telling me she loves me and misses me and I've forgotten something 

Sneaky pocket money

And Corona Cream Soda

She is old jewellery with tales to tell

She is hundreds of old photos (some of fag ash Lil and Dame Edna)

A million memories of before I was born

And stories of when I was little

My Nan will always be forty something in her mind (when she remembers where she put it!)

To me, she is 33, 110 and 9024621

She is Lyon Park Avenue, Wembley

She is my childhood

She brought out the best in me,

She saw the best in me

She wanted the best for me

She saved the best of her for me

Nan is all my best memories

My safe house

My happy place

And the one I'll miss the most

My Nan is the best Nan in the world

I'm a single mum

I'm the one they warn you about,

I'm the one nobody wants

I'm the one nobody wants to be

I'm that stigmatised woman you see on tv 

I'm a single mum

I'm the one that wipes the noses, the bums and the tears

I'm the one that calms them though all their night time fears

I'm the thankless lost cause, the warning story

I'm a single mum

I don't come on a silver platter

I'm no glittering prize

I have baggage, not much time off and a wanker (passive aggressive) cunt for an ex

No wonder all the men say they're only interested in.... (Sex?)

...one thing

Fun? FUN?!!

I don't even think I know what that is anymore

The second I drop my guard or go "off duty" 

Somebody has to knock me down again.

See, I'm the one they warn you about,

I'm the one nobody wants to be

I'm the one nobody wants

Because of my heartbreaking journey around the block

I'm a single mum.

Vacancy: boyfriend.

So yeah, there's a position that needs filling

By a good man, if he's willing

Must have his own teeth and hair 

(but not too much, you know *down there*)

He must like kids and animals too, 

and be prepared to feed my zoo

Which leads me onto his kitchen skills

(Because equality, and I pay my own bills)

Deft of hand with sink and pot 

Not afraid to scrub a greasy spot

And know his way round the spices 

When left at the cooker to his own devices

Can whip up a storm in kitchen and then 

Takes whip and cream into the bedroom again, and again, and again AND again ;)

When we're done and our energy is spent

Knows how to act the perfect gent

But he'll need to stimulate the brain 

If he wants inviting back again

Would ever such a man exist

Who'd look at me and my extensive list

My kids and pets and baggage for twenty

And wrinkles, grey hairs and wobbly bits aplenty

I think I'd pick the easier life

If I was looking for a prospective wife (well, girlfriend but wife rhymes better!)

I'm sure he'll be running for the next train home 

As I head into the sunset alone

I'm pretty sure there's no such guy, 

Who'd even be prepared to try?

So just for now I'll shelve my list

While I hit the bar and go get pissed...