Vacancy: boyfriend.

So yeah, there's a position that needs filling

By a good man, if he's willing

Must have his own teeth and hair 

(but not too much, you know *down there*)

He must like kids and animals too, 

and be prepared to feed my zoo

Which leads me onto his kitchen skills

(Because equality, and I pay my own bills)

Deft of hand with sink and pot 

Not afraid to scrub a greasy spot

And know his way round the spices 

When left at the cooker to his own devices

Can whip up a storm in kitchen and then 

Takes whip and cream into the bedroom again, and again, and again AND again ;)

When we're done and our energy is spent

Knows how to act the perfect gent

But he'll need to stimulate the brain 

If he wants inviting back again

Would ever such a man exist

Who'd look at me and my extensive list

My kids and pets and baggage for twenty

And wrinkles, grey hairs and wobbly bits aplenty

I think I'd pick the easier life

If I was looking for a prospective wife (well, girlfriend but wife rhymes better!)

I'm sure he'll be running for the next train home 

As I head into the sunset alone

I'm pretty sure there's no such guy, 

Who'd even be prepared to try?

So just for now I'll shelve my list

While I hit the bar and go get pissed...