3 years, it's been three whole years since I last posted anything on here but I'm not going to simply write something for the sake of filling a space.
So anyway finally I plucked up the courage to read some of my poems out at a poetry night about a month ago (thanks to the Eddie school of "fuck it, you only live once." RIP old friend). I've sung in bands for over 20 years and I have absolutely no problem whatsoever getting on stage with a microphone in my hand and singing my heart out. However, bearing your soul through the spoken work is an entirely different kettle of fish and to say I was bricking it would be a total understatement. It went much better than I could have imagined, I led with a poem I dedicated to Eddie (Ode to an Angel) that I'd written many years ago but was every bit as relevant then as it was the day I penned it. Then I put something in the middle I wasn't so sure about which was more a segue into my last poem (FWB) than anything else.
I was really nervous about reciting FWB, it came from deeply personal experience and was my first attempt at writing poetry specifically for performance. It went really well and I was utterly stunned to be invited to perform at an event as part of a local art trail.
So I've been wanting to find something to replace my filler and whilst life's been showering me with a myriad of shit sandwiches lately I haven't found anything even remotely interesting to write about it.
Until today. 2 days before the gig and I've found a beastie to get me riled and vexatious enough to want to unleash my anger onto paper. So many of my friends are suffering with or have suffered with depression. I'm so unbelievably fucking sick of how it takes its grip on us and we can shove pills in our face, meditate the shit out of it or just plain keep so busy that you don't even have time to think but we all know sooner or later we won't be able to run and the bastard will catch up with us again. I'm fucking pissed off that it has taken so many of my friends way too soon, and the fact that I have friends that are still around today that have mental health disorders so strong they're absolutely resolute that they'll die by their own hand one day.
So I wrote this, I wrote It as the biggest FUCK YOU I could muster to the Black Dog and its jittery feline companion, Anxiety.
IT
I AM ANGRY, I AM MAD
An insidious predator is on the attack
Its sight is true, its reach is wide
But it's invisible to the naked eye
It cares not for colour, class or demeanour. Nor sexuality;
In fact it's absolutely judgement free.
It cares not for time, for love or faith
As it slowly wraps its tendrils round your face
At first you just think you're having a bad day,
But then when the tears just won't go away,
It starts to smile its black-toothed grin
As it slowly robs you of everything
They say that procrastination is the thief of time
But it's nothing like this old enemy of mine
It takes hours, days, husbands and wives,
Thoughts and words and TOO MANY FUCKING LIVES
It isolates you from me and me from you
Even though it's the same thing we're going through
As its pernicious claws dig right in,
It leeches your soul and The Nothing sets in
I'm SO VERY FUCKING ANGRY, yet so powerless to cure
When, yet again you come knocking at the door
Now I know what to expect, I know who you are
I WON'T LET YOU KILL ME, but you *will* leave a scar.
This is my diatribe for the fallen and the taken too soon
For the exit bags, the hosepipes and the noose in that room
For the rivers of tears and the missed second chances
For the souls that lay crying over destroyed romances
For my friends who have fallen and can't find their feet,
For that mother who needed a hug on the street
And to anyone who suffers, I'm here and I care
I know I can't cure you but shout and I'm there.
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For T.E. - if our love could have saved you, you would have lived forever xxx
